Sunday, November 21

i become so cautious
again i find things going wrong
that's it
i told myself
another spark is all it takes to blow it
however happy things were before that spark
what else is there that can salvage
i just don't know
because of you, i quit piano
i stop going for cell
now i stop going church
now you want to steal the cell
say it's my fucking fault i don't want to wake

everyone thinks you're the nicest guy
but no one is seeing how you're screwing up
my ENTIRE life
if any girl wants, just ask them to take it
and i would tell them thanks for recycling

i feel like i have no more control over the
things that i want
my new year wish:
a better guy
i need to vomit this out so badly almost immediately.
i'm boiling to the max and i've boiled for infinity times
since i know this family.
i dont know how many times i dreamt that they were dead.
really.
i'm sorry i couldn't help, it's just my wish resurfacing in my dreams.
i dont know when is this going to end or when someday i will
be forced to accept the fucking truth that there are such people on earth.
i fucking hate that family, especially the scheming old lady.
fuck her and fuck the whole family.
seriously, do you need to call CONSTANTLY to meet at a dinner place.
cannot decide on the time, cannot decide the exact spot.
since the moment i sat down from 4-6, the phone hasn't stop ringing.
even call to ask what to wear.
and scream over the phone when you just waited for a few minutes.
uncle wait patiently la cos you know you failed to cultivate
any sense of punctuality or time management in your son.
do you need to call 64 times over two hours just because
we were engrossed in painting we forgot the phone.
and to pick up finally to know it's not anything serious.
WTF.
do you need to call every other hour to ask where the hell
your son or your grandson is.
he is twenty already for goodness sake folks.
this is fucking annoying.
why dont you just cage your precious son or grandson at home
and look at him and make sure he doesnt move.
mointor if he shits or eats or makes any noise.
you're just close to 3G-ing him anywhere he is.
fuck you man.
the best thing i did was to smash his phone on the floor.
oh ya fuck the invention of the phone.
the phone rings so annoyingly all day.
it's not love, they are possessive to the MAX.
i'm not asking them to stop what they've been doing
for their whole lives but just stop overdoing.
c'mon la he is not even your husband
not even a need to know if he's up to an affair.
or are you worried your hwa chong son going to ntu soon
will get into gang fights or take drugs or get conned by women
or he'll die of hunger on the streets cos he doesn't have enough
money to buy food.
or are you just tooooo bored.
or are you just out to annoy anyone and everyone you could.
i cannot find any other words to best describe my anger
but just to say fuck you.
you are just testing everyone, you fucking old lady
you fucking family.
this is MADNESS.
i know this hurts. i hope you dont get to read it.


honestly, i feel SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

Friday, November 12

today's session was just sharing.
finally i can tell someone,no need to hide,
knowing she wouldn't judge.

my heart's in a mess.
all i need is you to be who you were,
to still be the same person i knew and loved.
if you are holding on because you love,
assure me.
i don't want to guess.

thank god for kelly who came in at the right time.