it's not possible anymore
i can never get to care the least for my feelings anymore
i hanged up
you never bothered
i told you im upset
you said there's nothing you can do
you called me mad
you said it's enough
when i told you im upset
you called your mum to the phone
to scold me
i will never forget
you did this once
you're doing it again
she said i/we will not have a good ending
i will never forget
you allowed your family time and again
and yourself
to keep hurting me
and trample on my pride
i hate you
i hate myself for being so weak
for shedding yet another tear for you
cos you're not worth it
i hate myself for being like that in front of the younger ones
in front of my dad
making everyone worry
i need to start thinking for people i love
dad says it's only when we think for others
will we have the motivation for the things we do
there will only be more future similar days like today
stop
and let go

it's so hard to be your girlfriend.
all the tears, care and emotions are only
ONE-SIDED.

when will be the last time you hurt me.
when will you stop making me feel used.
when will you ever really love and show you do.

i just want this to end
in the most peaceful manner
not with a quarrel.

i am torn.

i hope you could stay out of my head
for as long as it can be
i picked up the phone but...
i dont know
i miss you a lot
i really pray this wouldn't be the end of us

i saw you turn your back.
you ran.
my heart broke.
i tried so hard to hold back the tears.
on the bus in the train and on the bus home.
why have two closest people turned into strangers overnight.
mummy said we really need time away to heal.
my heart still yearns so much for you.
i hope you'll be alright.

today i battled with the suicide demon.
again.
when no one's around i need to tell myself
live for the people who love me and for those i love.
for my mum for grace for faith for emmanuel.
i need a direction.
god please help me.

do we all have to take full responsibility of our emotions?
total. full. absolute.
what about times when we were provoked to anger?
what about those tears because we got hurled at?
who are we to point the finger at?
truth is, no one cares. even when you say he caused it.
i'm learning to bear it all. still learning.
when i can't hold out, someone please hold onto me.

this is my first post for the new year-
negative, like myself.

i become so cautious
again i find things going wrong
that's it
i told myself
another spark is all it takes to blow it
however happy things were before that spark
what else is there that can salvage
i just don't know

because of you, i quit piano
i stop going for cell
now i stop going church
now you want to steal the cell
say it's my fucking fault i don't want to wake

everyone thinks you're the nicest guy
but no one is seeing how you're screwing up
my ENTIRE life
if any girl wants, just ask them to take it
and i would tell them thanks for recycling

i feel like i have no more control over the
things that i want
my new year wish:
a better guy

i need to vomit this out so badly almost immediately.
i'm boiling to the max and i've boiled for infinity times
since i know this family.
i dont know how many times i dreamt that they were dead.
really.
i'm sorry i couldn't help, it's just my wish resurfacing in my dreams.
i dont know when is this going to end or when someday i will
be forced to accept the fucking truth that there are such people on earth.
i fucking hate that family, especially the scheming old lady.
fuck her and fuck the whole family.
seriously, do you need to call CONSTANTLY to meet at a dinner place.
cannot decide on the time, cannot decide the exact spot.
since the moment i sat down from 4-6, the phone hasn't stop ringing.
even call to ask what to wear.
and scream over the phone when you just waited for a few minutes.
uncle wait patiently la cos you know you failed to cultivate
any sense of punctuality or time management in your son.
do you need to call 64 times over two hours just because
we were engrossed in painting we forgot the phone.
and to pick up finally to know it's not anything serious.
WTF.
do you need to call every other hour to ask where the hell
your son or your grandson is.
he is twenty already for goodness sake folks.
this is fucking annoying.
why dont you just cage your precious son or grandson at home
and look at him and make sure he doesnt move.
mointor if he shits or eats or makes any noise.
you're just close to 3G-ing him anywhere he is.
fuck you man.
the best thing i did was to smash his phone on the floor.
oh ya fuck the invention of the phone.
the phone rings so annoyingly all day.
it's not love, they are possessive to the MAX.
i'm not asking them to stop what they've been doing
for their whole lives but just stop overdoing.
c'mon la he is not even your husband
not even a need to know if he's up to an affair.
or are you worried your hwa chong son going to ntu soon
will get into gang fights or take drugs or get conned by women
or he'll die of hunger on the streets cos he doesn't have enough
money to buy food.
or are you just tooooo bored.
or are you just out to annoy anyone and everyone you could.
i cannot find any other words to best describe my anger
but just to say fuck you.
you are just testing everyone, you fucking old lady
you fucking family.
this is MADNESS.
i know this hurts. i hope you dont get to read it.


honestly, i feel SO MUCH BETTER NOW.